Things I wish people understood {during our time of Grief}

There are many things that I wish people knew about the season I’m in…but some are hard to communicate. Honestly, it’s hard to even understand how I’m feeling myself…let alone put it into words I feel like others could comprehend.

I do want to preface this post by saying that I truly appreciate the effort that our friends and family have put in to help support us during this time. I understand that this would be a difficult season to be a friend and know how to best love on someone in our situation. We are beyond blessed.

I’ve been fortunate enough to have a very loving and supportive community around me, but even so, there are times that I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone around me…

So, here are a few of the things I wish I could bring myself to say.

• Grief is an emotional rollercoaster – There have been so many ups and downs over the last several weeks. It’s hard for me to even keep up with, so I understand if it’s difficult for friends and family to process as well. One day, I’m reminded of the Goodness of the Lord and I can feel his presence so strongly and I am strengthened. Other days…I search to find comfort in any way that I can.
• I don’t want you to take away the pain – In a strange way, it feels as if the only thing I have left of my pregnancy is the pain of losing it. Although I’m slowly healing, I sort of want to hold on to the pain. I don’t want to move on too quickly, because that means that it’s truly behind us.
• I might sound like a broken record – Part of my personal processing has come through talking about our situation. It’s sometimes excruciatingly painful to do so, but speaking it out loud has helped me cope. That being said, sometimes I might bring up the same topic or say something over and over…it’s just my way of attempting to accept it. I repeat it because I care about it and it’s important to me.
• We need patience and grace – Every day is a new battle, and we need room to learn to navigate this uncharted territory that is our life now. As we do what we can, please love on us and remind us that our feelings and emotions are valid. That is truly the most comforting thing someone can do for us.
• We can be happy & still be hurting – I think it’s this strange thing that as humans, perception is reality. What I mean is, although you may see someone and they’re smiling, laughing and carrying on as “normal”, this doesn’t mean that their pain isn’t still there. It’s still real. Very much so. They may be trying to blend back into the world around them, but behind closed doors…they may be falling apart.
• We don’t want to negate others suffering, but let us experience our own heartache – I’ve (sadly) spoken with too many women who have experienced infant loss, miscarriage, etc. and while I am VERY empathetic and do care deeply about their stories…It doesn’t always console me to hear about it. I need time to feel my own emotions and process the impact of our loss. It’s not a comparison game…this is real life. Every trauma is valid.
• Watch out for hurtful comments – We’ve had several people attempt to comfort us by making comments such as “You’ll have a full term pregnancy when the timing is right”, “You can try again”, “What’s meant to be will be”, etc. Point blank, these comments are hurtful. Our world has been forever changed, and knowing that we will never get to love on our first child in the way that we dreamt of is painful. Don’t negate that by brushing it off.
• Don’t ask WHEN – I personally believe that questions such as “When are you going to start your family?”, “Don’t you want kids?”, etc. are inappropriate. I know many times, they’re not meant to be harmful…but they can be. Many people are walking out a journey that you may know nothing about…just try to trust that they’re doing what’s best for their family. It’s between them and God. The same is true for someone who has experienced loss. Please don’t ask when we will “try again”. This is a very emotional topic…especially after a loss.
• We have a baby in Heaven – Some may not understand or believe the way that we do, but our belief is that our first baby is now in Heaven. No matter how early a pregnancy, the moment you find out that you’re pregnant you are a mother. There is a deep emotional bond between mother and child that begins to form immediately. As your body changes, you can feel that your body is no longer just yours. You’re acutely aware of the life inside of you…and it’s a precious gift. That being said, when you no longer feel those physical twinges, it’s extremely heartbreaking. You’re missing a part of you. A part that you’ll never get back…and you’re completely aware of it. Life started at conception, our baby had a heartbeat…and then it did not. That is without a doubt a loss. Harper Reign Hicks is now in Heaven.

Blessings & Love,