Author: Jessica Hicks

As much as I tried to be prepared and “in control” during my pregnancy, Hunter’s birth was definitely an experience that I could not have seen coming. Pretty much the only thing that went according to plan was that he did in fact arrive on his due date, February 3^rd 2023. The best day of my life thus far. 

In the final weeks leading up to Hunter’s arrival, I grew more and more uncomfortable. It wasn’t unbearable by any means, but I recall having a hard time getting comfortable whether it be sitting, standing, stretching, etc. I just could not find a position that seemed to work. In addition, I wasn’t sleeping super well. I would wake up several times at night, toss and turn to adjust…it wasn’t fun anymore. Not to mention, the swelling. Ugh! 

At 39 weeks, 5 days… I had a check up at the birth center where I planned to have a natural, unmedicated birth. They had been monitoring my blood pressure and swelling because I had previously developed some protein in my urine which can be a symptom of preeclampsia (a serious, potentially dangerous condition during pregnancy). Sure enough, they were alarmed to find that my BP was extremely high. They performed a non-stress test, and baby was completely fine… but after considering everything, they decided that I would unfortunately have to risk-out of the birth center, transfer to a hospital and immediately get induced. It was time to get baby out to ensure the best outcome for us both. 

I’m not going to lie, it was pretty scary to go in to an appointment and feel, for the most part, “normal” and end up being told to rush to the hospital to have our baby.  

Russ and I got in the car, I had a little mini-breakdown…and we started making our way across town to the Hospital. On the way, we called our friends and family that we needed to keep informed, prayed, and I made Russ take me to Panera. I had heard stories of women not being allowed to eat in the hospital, and since I was preparing for what would probably be the hardest thing I’d ever done…I felt like I deserved some proper fuel. 

We arrived at the Hospital around 6:20pm, got to Labor & Delivery, checked into triage and when they took my BP it was 198/122! Not good. They decided that I would need to be put on a magnesium drip to treat the high blood pressure. Unfortunately, that meant that I would be confined to the hospital bed (magnesium makes it dangerous for you to be on your feet because it can affect your balance and just make you feel really crappy). My goal of being able to allow gravity and my body to work together by walking, swaying, bouncing on the birth ball, etc. was out the door. This was really disappointing; however, God gave both Russ and I a lot of peace during this entire process and we just decided to let go of our own plans and trust that this was how it needed to be for the best interest of myself and baby boy. 

Around 9:30pm, we finally got checked into our room and they started the mag. Since we had rushed so suddenly to the hospital, we didn’t have any of our belongings with us, so Russ went home to get what we needed and I had my mom come and stay with me while he was gone. I also had a few close friends pop in to pray with me and over Hunter very quickly. When Russ got back, we both finally tried to get some rest (props to all the dads out there who have slept in hospital delivery rooms). 

I originally wanted to have as few cervical checks as possible, so I declined the first one. 

They needed things to start progressing, and since I was not yet having any contractions, they suggested other ways to get things going. We decided on having a cook catheter (or foley balloon) placed to attempt to help me dilate. This was around 1am. As usual, I needed to get up a few times during the night to go to the restroom (with the help of a nurse) and around 3:30am I felt really sick and like I was going to pass out during one of my bathroom trips. Thankfully, it passed and I was able to get back to bed and rest for a few hours. 

At 11am, the nurse was able to pull the balloon out, which I was told is a good sign of progression. She checked me at that point and I was around 4-5 centimeters dilated, but still having NO pain! They were monitoring me and baby continuously and would even ask me periodically if I could feel the contractions…my answer was always “uhhh, maybe a little?”. They just couldn’t believe that I wasn’t in more pain than I was. But Russ and I were clinging to the prayers we had prayed my entire pregnancy for a pain-free, supernatural childbirth. We knew God could and WAS delivering. 

Basically, every hour that passed added more likelihood of complications arising and everyone wanted things to be as safe as possible. Around noon, they suggested trying to break my water. We were very hesitant because that was not in our original plan (but then again, at this point, none of it was), but we decided to let them try. When they did, the strangest thing happened. They couldn’t break it! My bag of waters was so strong (presumably from taking great Vitamin C during pregnancy) that it just wouldn’t budge. A nurse suggested that I try using a breast pump for nipple stimulation since that can sometimes encourage contractions to pick up. I did that off and on for about an hour and it did help my contractions get to 5 minutes apart, lasting for about a minute and a half each. But, when I stopped pumping the contractions started to slow. 

I was feeling kind of lousy so they let me take a break and nap with a peanut-ball. That was the most comfortable position I could find. When I woke up from my nap, I was able to eat dinner (I remember getting the most random meal – a black bean burger, broccoli and mashed potatoes). When I was done eating, they checked me again and I had gotten to 6cm, 100% effaced and zero station. Baby was very low! 

By the time 6:30pm rolled around, not much had changed and they thought it was time that I begin Pitocin (another thing I didn’t want). They started with the lowest dose and said we could go up from there. When they got that going, it wasn’t long before my BP started to get low (163/97) and they had to treat me with IV meds. After the meds, my BP went up to around 150-160 and stayed there for a few hours. This worried the midwife and around 8:20pm she came in to have a talk with us about needing to get the show on the road. They increased the Pitocin twice, and finally my BP got a lot better (134/91). 

At 10:30pm I was finally having more consistent contractions every 1-2 minutes and lasting 1-3 minutes long. It was crazy, because I still wasn’t having ANY pain. God was literally moving! 

I was able to sleep through the night and then around 12:45pm on Friday, the midwife said that we really couldn’t wait any longer. They checked me again, and I was still at 6cm! She attempted for the third time to break my water and FINALLY got it to break. The intensity of the contractions was really picking up at this point and by 1:45pm I was unable to get comfortable. Keep in mind, I had been in the bed for over 48 hours at this point, had sever cervical checks and three attempts at breaking my water. All while being on magnesium and other IV meds for my blood pressure. I was exhausted. 

Then…the swelling got even worse. My legs and feet looked fake…I couldn’t actually believe they were mine lol. It was so weird. 

By 3:30pm I was just completely spent. I knew I was going to have to push this baby out and at this point I was just running out of steam. We talked, prayed and consulted my Doula and finally decided that I would get an epidural (definitely not something I planned on either). It was an instant success! I felt so much better and my doula, Jenn, was able to help me move into different positions every so often. Eventually, the midwife came in and checked again and I was 7 1/2 cm dilated now. At that point, they were saying that Hunter would probably be here within a few hours. By 8:15pm, I had progressed to 9cm! Sounds wonderful, right?! 

Except I stayed at a 9cm for the next 5 hours! Ugh. Time was passing so slowly at this point. Well, actually, to be honest I had no concept of time lol. 

At 1:30am the midwife woke me up from a nap, checked and I was 9 ½ cm and a plus 1 station, which meant that he was starting to engage into the birth canal. I just kept laboring and slowly changing positions every 30 minutes or so until it was about 5:25pm and FINALLY time to push! 

I was completely depleted by the time I started pushing, but somehow with the encouragement of Russ, my doula Jenn and an amazing midwife named Kristina, I was able to keep going. I remember the first several hours of pushing, and how hard it was…. we were trying every possible position I could get into while still staying in that bed. It was THE hardest thing I’ve ever done. I literally came to the end of myself and had to completely surrender and allow God to take over, and HE DID. I swear I blacked out for the last 3 hours and before I knew it, they were handing me my sweet, healthy baby boy! 

I ended up pushing for over 5 hours and Hunter was born at 10:12pm on 2/3/23! 

I learned SO much about myself, my faith, and trusting the Lord through my labor and delivery story…but more on that later. 

Here’s our perfect little guy, Hunter Ray Hicks. 

I’ve been taking the time that I need to be kind to myself. Not placing a lot of pressure to do the “right” thing or feel a certain way. Just listening to my heart and attempting to heal in the ways that best suit me. It hasn’t been easy or straight forward, but it’s all I know to do…and I’m proud of myself for taking the time to do it.

Something that I’ve found oddly comforting is reading stories of people who have endured great loss, and somehow, some way, they go on. They endure. They press through the pain and search for a glimmer of hope in what seems like the darkest days.

These stories are sad, raw, emotional…but through all of that, I am inspired by the strength and resilience of those who walk them out.

Honestly, I haven’t even had to “search” for these stories. If we choose to listen, they are happening all around us. I’ll visit my Facebook page and read of a mother who suddenly lost her 3 year old daughter, yet is still showing up for her other children and husband. I’ve seen countless YouTube videos of women sharing their experience with Infertility. On Instagram, I’ll have women reach out to me sharing their story of early miscarriage, yet reminding me of God’s goodness through their subsequent healthy pregnancies. I’ll open a book about the stages of grief and read about husbands losing their wives and trying to navigate life on their own.

The reality is…loss, pain, grief, and disappointment are all a part of life.

But, with that…comes forms of Joy on the other side of the heartbreak. Life still goes on. We figure it out. Day by day, piece by piece…we get through it. And that gives me enormous hope.

Not only do the “lows” in life show us how truly strong we are…but they teach us to appreciate the “highs” at a whole new level. You may never truly know love until you’ve known pain. After tragedy, one can find comfort in even the smallest of things…things that we’d ordinarily take for granted. It’s a beautiful mess, all woven together. Impossible to separate the good from the bad because in most things, there will, in fact, be both.

In thinking of the highs and lows…

How perfectly fitting is it that today is Good Friday. The day on which Jesus would pay the ultimate price by taking on our sin and courageously enduring what many would consider the most gruesome execution of all time. He not only endured that pain, but he became sin itself…separating him from his Father God. God could no longer be with him. He did that for us.

But yet, the grave would not be able to hold him, for resurrection was soon coming. What an ultimately glorious “come back” it was. Jesus gave hope to the masses by saying “Look, I myself will be with you every day until the end of this present age”. What gladness comes from that! Even those who did not believe just days before, knew that there was power in his words now. They saw him die on a cross right in front of their eyes…but yet, he’s back to give hope to all nations. Through that massive amount of pain and suffering, came the most beautiful gift for all to receive. But it wouldn’t have happened without the sacrifice.

To me, this all ties in together in a very profound way. One that I am still asking God to continue to reveal to me as I process it. It’s as if, in my own personal journey of healing…God is using the visual of Easter and the Holy Week to teach me how life works. What we must endure to receive greatness. That pain is, an unavoidable component of life…but still, “Joy comes in the morning”.

What a beautiful thing.

Blessings & Love,

There are many things that I wish people knew about the season I’m in…but some are hard to communicate. Honestly, it’s hard to even understand how I’m feeling myself…let alone put it into words I feel like others could comprehend.

I do want to preface this post by saying that I truly appreciate the effort that our friends and family have put in to help support us during this time. I understand that this would be a difficult season to be a friend and know how to best love on someone in our situation. We are beyond blessed.

I’ve been fortunate enough to have a very loving and supportive community around me, but even so, there are times that I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone around me…

So, here are a few of the things I wish I could bring myself to say.

• Grief is an emotional rollercoaster – There have been so many ups and downs over the last several weeks. It’s hard for me to even keep up with, so I understand if it’s difficult for friends and family to process as well. One day, I’m reminded of the Goodness of the Lord and I can feel his presence so strongly and I am strengthened. Other days…I search to find comfort in any way that I can.
• I don’t want you to take away the pain – In a strange way, it feels as if the only thing I have left of my pregnancy is the pain of losing it. Although I’m slowly healing, I sort of want to hold on to the pain. I don’t want to move on too quickly, because that means that it’s truly behind us.
• I might sound like a broken record – Part of my personal processing has come through talking about our situation. It’s sometimes excruciatingly painful to do so, but speaking it out loud has helped me cope. That being said, sometimes I might bring up the same topic or say something over and over…it’s just my way of attempting to accept it. I repeat it because I care about it and it’s important to me.
• We need patience and grace – Every day is a new battle, and we need room to learn to navigate this uncharted territory that is our life now. As we do what we can, please love on us and remind us that our feelings and emotions are valid. That is truly the most comforting thing someone can do for us.
• We can be happy & still be hurting – I think it’s this strange thing that as humans, perception is reality. What I mean is, although you may see someone and they’re smiling, laughing and carrying on as “normal”, this doesn’t mean that their pain isn’t still there. It’s still real. Very much so. They may be trying to blend back into the world around them, but behind closed doors…they may be falling apart.
• We don’t want to negate others suffering, but let us experience our own heartache – I’ve (sadly) spoken with too many women who have experienced infant loss, miscarriage, etc. and while I am VERY empathetic and do care deeply about their stories…It doesn’t always console me to hear about it. I need time to feel my own emotions and process the impact of our loss. It’s not a comparison game…this is real life. Every trauma is valid.
• Watch out for hurtful comments – We’ve had several people attempt to comfort us by making comments such as “You’ll have a full term pregnancy when the timing is right”, “You can try again”, “What’s meant to be will be”, etc. Point blank, these comments are hurtful. Our world has been forever changed, and knowing that we will never get to love on our first child in the way that we dreamt of is painful. Don’t negate that by brushing it off.
• Don’t ask WHEN – I personally believe that questions such as “When are you going to start your family?”, “Don’t you want kids?”, etc. are inappropriate. I know many times, they’re not meant to be harmful…but they can be. Many people are walking out a journey that you may know nothing about…just try to trust that they’re doing what’s best for their family. It’s between them and God. The same is true for someone who has experienced loss. Please don’t ask when we will “try again”. This is a very emotional topic…especially after a loss.
• We have a baby in Heaven – Some may not understand or believe the way that we do, but our belief is that our first baby is now in Heaven. No matter how early a pregnancy, the moment you find out that you’re pregnant you are a mother. There is a deep emotional bond between mother and child that begins to form immediately. As your body changes, you can feel that your body is no longer just yours. You’re acutely aware of the life inside of you…and it’s a precious gift. That being said, when you no longer feel those physical twinges, it’s extremely heartbreaking. You’re missing a part of you. A part that you’ll never get back…and you’re completely aware of it. Life started at conception, our baby had a heartbeat…and then it did not. That is without a doubt a loss. Harper Reign Hicks is now in Heaven.

Blessings & Love,

One of the things that has been really hard during the process of grieving the loss of our baby has been actually putting my feelings and thoughts into words. This is new for me, as I’m typically someone who loves to process by talking things out. But, when you’re feeling things you’ve never felt before, it’s a bit harder to do that.

What has been really comforting and helpful has been finding quotes, scripture, songs, etc. that express how I am feeling for me. I’ll often find something like this, and find a great deal of relif that at least someone, somwhere out there has felt how I am.

Here are some of the quotes and things I’ve found that have helped me. I hope they an provide some insight as to how someone in my position might be feeling and where their headspace is at…and if you find yourself in similar shoes, I pray that these will give you some comfort as well.

Blessings and love,

Throughout the past several weeks, I’ve been on a rollercoaster of emotions. At times I’ve felt very close with God, and there are other times where it’s a battle to draw near to Him. Have you ever experienced this?

One thing I’ve always found helpful is music. The bible says, “There’s a garment of Praise for heaviness…”, and I believe that when we’re having a hard time processing exactly how we’re feeling, Song can help us express ourselves in a healthy way.

I hope that these songs bring comfort to you as they have for me.

• “Never Will” by Life Church Worship
• “In Jesus Name” by Katy Nicole
• “You Already Know” by JJ Heller
• “Gratitude” by Brandon Lake
• “Heart of the Father” by Ryan Ellis
• “That’s the Power – Acoustic” – by Hillsong Worship / Benjamin Hastings
• “Jireh” by Elevation Worship ft. Chandler Moore & Naomi Raine
• “Same God” by Elevation Worship ft. Jonsal Barrientes
• “It’s Always Been You” by Phil Wickham
• “We Praise You” by Bethel Music
• “Christ Be Magnified” by The Belonging Company
• “Make Room” by Kim Walker-Smith

Blessings & Love,

I know I’ve been a bit MIA for the last few months. For this, I apologize. Especially if you’re a follower and supporter of our Blog. We do want you to know that we genuinely appreciate your support. It’s very encouraging.

One of my personal goals with our blog was to create a safe place to share about life. The ups, and the downs. I wanted a creative outlet and a place to be completely transparent, because well, that’s just who I am. I’ve always lived my life like an open book…and I don’t want that to change.

That being said, the past eight months have been the hardest of my life thus far. I fully planned to share the entire experience someday, I just needed some time to process and take it all in myself before sharing it with the world (or at least our tiny part of it).

I guess the story starts in August of 2021. That was the month that I went in for a routine skin check that ended up with a diagnosis of Stage 1A, bordering 2A Melanoma (Skin Cancer). Now, let me just first say that I am extremely thankful that the diagnosis was as mild as it was. I am extremely blessed that we caught it early. Some are not so lucky, and for this I am so grateful. I’m not trying to compare my experience with others, but all I can do is transparently share my personal story.

Beginning in August, I started to undergo a total of seven surgical procedures to remove all of the Melanoma as well as any other suspicious spots. This resulted in almost 4 months of doctors visits, procedures, stitches, bruises, scars, etc. They did remove all margins of the cancer, and got it all. Praise the lord!

But, even though it resulted in great news…it was still a very lengthy and painful experience. I am now left with seven pretty gnarly scars to remind me of this experience.

The last of the procedures happened in November 2021. After that, I was excited to go into the Holiday Season having this experience behind me and ready to celebrate with friends and family. We enjoyed Thanksgiving and Christmas with loved ones and it was a great way to end the year and the past several emotional months.

Now, I’ve not openly shared about this next topic before… so please grant me some grace here.

Last year, it was starting to weigh heavily on my heart that I was starting to feel ready to grow our family. I prayed endlessly and had several deep conversations with my husband, our preacher at the time, and our mentors and friends around this topic. It was something that I didn’t want to rush into, but I knew the God had been preparing me.

Towards the end of the year, when the Cancer scare was behind us…Russell and I began talking about growing our family more seriously. We decided that it was the right time to just trust the Lord in this area, give it to him, and see what happened. Needless to say, we stopped preventing but weren’t really “trying” to conceive in our eyes. We knew that God had given us this strong desire for a reason…so we decided to trust it full-heartedly.

God was obviously at work, because we found ourselves pregnant after only two months of not preventing. I found out on January 10th, 2022 (the day of our last Blog post) that I was expecting our first miracle. I told Russ the following day, January 11th.

We were completely over the moon! This was the provision of our hearts deepest desire. God gave us this enormous blessing.

Of course, we could barely contain our excitement and decided to share our joy with only our closest friends and family. It was such a precious experience to share the news with loved ones and have their love and support.

My body began changing, we started having doctors appointments and all was going well. During this time, we got even closer to God and started to strengthen our confessions around this pregnancy.

Somewhere around week five, I began spotting. I was reassured that this can be a completely normal part of pregnancy, and that some women even bleed heavily (sorry if this is tmi) throughout their pregnancy. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, but we stood strong on the word of God, spoke what we were believing for and got in unity. It was when the bleeding continued to get worse and I started having some pretty intense pains that I knew I needed to get checked. We scheduled an early ultrasound appointment with our Midwife, and it was at that appointment that we were told they couldn’t find the baby. We had lost our pregnancy at 6 weeks and 2 days.

When I say that I collapsed, I mean that in every possible sense of the word. Physically, emotionally, spiritually…I was devastated. As was Russ.

The life we had begun to celebrate, envision and pray over had been taken away from us. We never even got to see our baby on a monitor, learn its gender or share our news with our entire circle. It felt as if our world had stopped…but the world around us kept on going.

We are still grieving and learning to cope with this loss, but I truly felt that a part of my healing would come in sharing our story. As heartbreaking as it is. This experience has caused me to well up with righteous anger and my desire is to be able to be there for and support others who must endure this circumstance in their own lives.

I am now 1 in 4.

Miscarriage awareness cannot happen unless stories like these are shared, and we are willing to open our hearts to bring attention to the topic. That’s now one of my life goals.

We’ve taken several steps toward honoring our baby; including giving it a name, devoting a space to it’s memory in our home, and finding ways of carrying it with us at all times. This is the beginning of a lifetime of pain that we must endure until we can finally greet our baby in Heaven, but God will provide the strength we need to withstand. Of this, I am hopeful.

We’ll share more soon, but for now…I simply hope this will suffice as an update as to what we’ve been going through and where we have been.

Prayers are much appreciated.

Thank you for reading about our story and sharing in our truth.

Blessings & Love,

Hello! Since we’re gaining some followers and we’re still new to the blogging game… I thought it might be a good idea to share a little more about myself. I would love to get to know you too! So be sure to leave me a comment on this post sharing a little about yourself as well.

This will be short & sweet (the best way to kick off a busy week ahead), let’s get into it…

1. I’m an only child! I grew up having only one really close friend (Jordan), who I am still very close with to this day. We’ve gone through all the milestones together and it’s been such a cool experience to do life with someone I’ve known literally my whole life.
2. I played Softball from ages 8 to 17. It was a way for my Dad and I to bond as he was one of my coach’s most of those years. My positions were 3rd base and pitcher and I loved it while it lasted. Unfortunately, I suffered a few injuries along the way and ended up stepping away my junior year of high school.
3. I was extremely close with my grandparents growing up! Dot & Papa…I stayed with them a lot as my parents both worked full-time. They were pretty much my best friends. I would make them play pretend school and watch me perform dances. They were troopers for sure. I miss them both so much as they both have gone on to be with the Lord.
4. I went to UNCC and Studied Psychology. I changed my desired career path several times along the way…honestly, I didn’t really know what I wanted to do. I just knew that I wanted to help people in some way. I actually didn’t finish my degree, because my junior year of college I found our marketing team and fell in love with it. I saw that as my future “career” and took a huge leap of faith to pursue it.
5. Russell & I grew up minutes apart our whole lives! Yet, we didn’t meet until college through a mutual friend. We even went to the same random Elementary School for a few years…but at different times. So odd. I guess our paths crossed when it was meant to be.
6. I had braces for 5 years. The most awkward years of my life. But, it was well worth it. My dad and I just had some strange dental genetics…we both went through some interesting times. I pray I don’t pass those genes to our future kiddos.
7. I worked 3 jobs through college to stay afloat and try to offset student loans. Those were honestly some of the busiest yet fun times. I loved being on the “grid” per-say and knowing I was being productive. I was a nanny and a server at a few different restaurants in town.
8. I love traveling and making new memories! This is something I’m very excited about. Anytime we get to go somewhere new or experience something for the first time, I am all about it.
9. I gave my life to the Lord when I was 21 years old! At a non-denominational worship service at a business conference one (not so random) Sunday morning! The rest is history… that started my new life in Christ and I am forever thankful for the thin-threads that led me there.
10. I‘m naturally a home-body! I honestly love staying in with Russ and cuddling up on the couch watching a good movie. It’s my favorite type of date night. We try to do this very intentionally and not make it a regular habit, but I look forward to those nights.